Waiting to Hear About Scotland

Hello, Peoples.

How’s it going? Is there snow where you are? We’re getting absolutely dumped on here in Kingston. I hear that most of the East Coast is getting a “dusting” too. If you don’t have snow, I’m a tiny bit jealous. I miss the sunshine. I’m not a chilly weather girl.

snow, Kingston, Ontario
A truly terrible photo of our snow.

It’s Thursday night and I’m bored. Boredom is kind of nice, once in a while, isn’t it? I met with an unexpected lull today in the flurry of busy activity that is my life. Today was set aside to work on paying projects only, but my student is on holiday, my other big project is on hold, and I was left with just one project to work on. So I did that for a few hours, working at my incredibly messy desk and pushing a ball of paper around with my toes. I haven’t had time for cleaning this week. It’s embarrassing, but hey. That’s life. And to be honest, I absolutely hate cleaning anyway. I’d rather work on one of my own projects for an hour and use the money to pay someone else to clean for me, but that’s ridiculous at this point. So I left the paper ball there where I found it when I’d finished my work for the day. I’ve kicked around since then. I’m still putting off cleaning. I fiddled for a bit. It’s been a slow, thoughtful kind of day.

Prickly Clove in her new felt "hedgie cave." I work, she sleeps.
Prickly Clove in her new felt “hedgie cave.” I work, she sleeps.

It’s been a bit of a weird day for my brain for two reasons, one weirdly stupid and the other legitimate.

Weirdly stupid reason:
This guy I was deeply infatuated with for a huge portion of my life just got a serious girlfriend for the first time (that I know of) and it’s bugging me for some inexplicable reason. I haven’t talked to this guy in four years. He doesn’t come to mind often. I don’t miss him, particularly. I’ve been in a relationship of my own for three years. But for whatever reason, it’s been weighing on my mind for the past 38 hours or so. I actually woke up thinking about it at 5am, which is nuts. I suppose it’s just odd to be reminded that my childhood crush is an adult now with a tattooed rocker girlfriend, working as a realtor. Life is weird.

Legitimate reason:
I hear back from the Queen’s International Exchange Program about my Scotland exchange tomorrow. AAHH. I’m so nervous. I haven’t been this nervous since I was backstage at the Hero Round Table Conference, five minutes before go-time. I think that was a better nervous, too. All I had to do was resist the urge to run away, then. And I was fine once I was on-stage. This is a horrible nervous, in comparison. There’s nothing I can do. No way to psych myself up and be brave. No action I can take. I’m just waiting. Pacing around, ignoring my messy room, and waiting for the course of the next year and a half of my life to be decided for me.

If I didn’t want it so bad, the waiting wouldn’t suck so much. But I do want it. Desperately. Kingston is great, but I’m going stir-crazy. The idea to go on exchange to Scotland was the first thing in months to stir up any wild creativity in me. It’s made me dream big again. I feel like I have a reason to work and to study, beyond the incentive of daily survival and a decent GPA. I have a reason to pick up the fiddle, even after an insanely long work day, when I only want to sleep. I have a reason to write, something to write about. Going to Scotland would give me the bit of boost I need to make it through to my fourth year and graduation. I need some adventure. I need to go somewhere I’ve never been before. I’ve always wanted to go to Scotland, but I never thought I’d want it this much.

This is the first time that a goal or plan of mine has been mostly out of my control. The parts that I could control, the application process and the research, I did my absolute best work on. But the plan is out of my hands now. It’s a horrid feeling. I hate not being the one holding the reins in my life and in my work. Ugh.

Tomorrow will be a day of waiting. At the end of it, I’ll either be partying like a crazy woman (sans alcohol, thanks to my unfortunate new allergy) or I’ll be a heartbroken mess (at which point, my housemates might convince me to “forget” about my allergy).

If I get in, adventures await.

If I don’t get in, I’ll cry for a day or two. And then I’ll get right back up and come up with a Plan B. This will result in a final verdict of: adventures await.

I’ll let you know tomorrow evening. ;)

Randomly, I've been working on a new look. I can't remember if I told you when I cut my hair and went neon blue.
Randomly, I’ve been working on a new look. I can’t remember if I told you when I cut my hair and went neon blue.

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